Castle of the Heart Page 4

  The slim fingers resting on his wrist quivered, fluttering like a bird’s wings, and he suppressed the urge to place his other hand on them, to hold them there.

  “I will not be afraid if you do not want me to be, my lord.”

  “I want.” Thomas stopped. He could not say, “I want you to love me as I already love you,” for he sensed that would only make her more afraid. He realized he did not know what to do or say next. His experience of women was limited to a few lusty, laughter-filled tumbles with willing serving wenches, occasions as .natural and joyful as a refreshing shower during the summer’s heat, and these had done nothing to prepare him for a terrified, completely innocent young girl. He wondered if Selene knew what would be expected of her on their wedding night. Surely someone would tell her.

  They reached the far end of the cloister. Thomas saw Meredith and her companion all the way at the other end, their backs toward him and Selene. There was no one else about; everyone was inside on this cold day, huddled at fireside. He stopped walking and looked down upon Selene’s bent head, on the smooth, straight hair that lay sleekly across the delicate skull and poured down over her shoulders like some dark waterfall. The narrow line of the red shawl glowed at her throat like a barely extinguished fire that might blaze up at any moment. He wanted to stir fire in her, and watch her respond to his love. She had taken her fingers from his wrist and stood with her hands folded before her. He could not see her face.

  He was unable to resist the urge that overcame him then. He had to touch her, to assure himself she was real. His left hand stroked along her head and came to rest upon her shoulder, caught in the silken torrent of her hair.

  Selene’s face came up, her emerald eyes wide and startled, her lips parted. For an instant he thought she would scream, but she only stood very still, tense as a drawn bow, waiting. His right hand caught her chin, holding her face steady, as he lowered his lips toward hers. He paused a fraction of an inch away. He could see her parted lips trembling, then felt them beneath his own. There was no reaction from her at first, her softness simply lay against his mouth. But then the hand that had cupped her chin slid around her shoulders and drew her near. Even through her winter-heavy clothes and woolen cloak Thomas could feel the slender, haunting delicacy of her body, and he wished there was no clothing between them. He had to fight the need to grasp her hips and pull her toward the sudden hardness of his body that threatened to drive him mad with wanting her. Never before had he experienced this combination of reverent adoration and intense sexual desire.

  Finally, very faintly, came a response, a slight movement of her lips under his, a returned pressure on his mouth. It was delicious, the taste of those lips, like honey-sweet mead, and he never wanted to let her go. But he did. Even in his aroused state, longing to continue what his body had started, he realized he must not push her too far. He must be gentle and patient. She would be his soon enough. His for the rest of their lives. The thought filled him with such joy he imagined he would die of it. He opened his eyes and looked at his love. She hung back upon his arm, lips still parted, eyes closed, and upon one curving lash lay a tear like a round, perfect pearl. Her hands were clasped together against his chest as though she was praying.

  He could hear Meredith’s footsteps pacing along the cloister, coming closer.

  “Selene,” he whispered, reassured by her brief return of his kiss, “I will love you, and you will love me. There is nothing for either of us to fear. We will be happy together just as my Uncle Guy and Meredith have been.”

  She opened her beautiful emerald eyes and looked directly at him. He saw in those eyes that the apprehension he had hoped to alleviate was still there, along with sorrow and -was it guilt? But what could this lovely, pure, half-child have to feel guilty about? As he watched her, grey-shadowed lids drooped over emerald fire, long, thick lashes lay against her perfect cheekbones.

  “I will be whatever you want me to be, my lord,” she whispered, just as Meredith and Arianna rejoined them.

  Chapter 3

  Arianna knocked at the chamber door and waited impatiently for it to open. It was cold in the corridor. An icy draft blew along the stone floor. She shivered, pulling her shawl closer about her shoulders.

  “Lady Meredith,” she cried eagerly as the door swung inward, “I’m afraid I’m late. Oh, Thomas, I did not expect to find you here.” She pressed one hand hard against her bosom, hoping to still the sudden, ridiculous pounding of her heart which began each time she saw him. It had been happening for days, and Arianna felt a surge of anger against herself. Selene’s betrothed husband should not have such an effect upon her.

  “Come in,” Thomas invited, holding the door wider and motioning to her. “Uncle Guy and I were just leaving. We are going hunting with the king.”

  Arianna pulled dignity and self-control about her like a tattered garment and stepped into the room. It was no larger than the few other bedchambers she had seen in the abbey guesthouse, and like those others it was furnished with a curtained bed, two wooden stools, and a small table, but still this room had a special atmosphere about it. Two richly carved wooden clothes chests were pushed against the wall and topped with green and blue wool-covered pillows to make comfortable seating. Arianna was certain the chests had traveled to St. Albans with the occupants of the room. She thought Meredith’s hand must be behind the fresh rushes and sweet-scented branches of dried rue, hyssop, and woodruff which had been strewn on the floor. Also Meredith’s doing must be the two large braziers that made the room more comfortably warm than the chamber of Lady Aloise, or the one Arianna shared with Selene.

  Meredith was talking with her husband, but she came forward at once and presented Arianna to the Baron of Afoncaer. Arianna was so flustered at Thomas’s presence that she did not even look at Lord Guy, only curtsied and stammered a few polite words.

  “I’ve spoken to the infirmarer,” Meredith said. “He will show us through the pharmacy before the noonday meal. I thought it would be well for your first lesson to come from him.”

  “It needn’t be today, not if you are busy. I’ll go now and come again another time.” Intent upon making a hasty retreat, Arianna reached out behind herself for the door handle and caught Thomas’s arm instead. Her hand closed over solid muscle beneath a smooth leather sleeve. She felt the heat of his body and his firm strength with a jolt that rocked her to the depths of her being. She had longed to touch him for days and had not dared. Gasping, she removed her hand from his arm and stood numb with confusion.

  “Would you open me instead of the door, Lady Arianna?” Thomas teased. He laughed, and watching his eyes crinkle and his mouth curve with friendly good humor, she realized he had no idea of her feelings toward him. He saw only a girl who had come to speak to his aunt. She knew in the certainty of her aching heart that Thomas was incapable of seeing her as a woman. The only woman he could see was Selene.

  “Oh, please, I must go.” Arianna knew she was acting like a child who had been taught no manners. She could feel her cheeks flaming, and she was afraid she would burst into tears. She caught her breath in a sob when Thomas took her by the shoulders and gently pushed her forward into the room. She felt the touch of his hands even after he let her go.

  “Of course you will stay,” Thomas told her.

  “We really were leaving,” Baron Guy said kindly. Arianna was so caught up in embarrassment at her ill-mannered behavior that she was aware only of twinkling blue eyes and a face rather like Thomas’s before Guy picked up his mantle from the bed, kissed his wife on the cheek, and headed for the door, clapping his nephew on the shoulder as he went. “Come along, Tom. These ladies have things to do that do not concern mere men.”

  Thomas stood where he was a little longer, looking at Arianna, while his uncle waited by the door.

  “Is my Lady Selene well?” he asked anxiously. “You two are usually together. She hasn’t taken ill, has she?”

  “No, my lord.” By a great exercise of will Arianna f
orced herself to look directly into those devastating blue eyes of his while still making words come out of her mouth in some sensible way. “Selene is with the seamstresses and Lady Aloise. They have no use for me – I’m not very clever with the needle – so I am free this morning.”

  “Well, Meredith,” Guy said, laughing, “I can see you have a potential comrade of the heart in this lady. You never could use a needle, either.” He gave a shout of laughter as a deep green pillow sailed through the air and hit him in the chest. He caught it, and still laughing, tossed it back at his wife, then ducked through the door before she could return his fire. Thomas followed him at once, and Arianna could hear their happy laughter echoing down the hallway, while Meredith, smiling to herself, plumped up the pillow and returned it to its rightful place on one of the wooden chests.

  Arianna had followed this play between husband and wife with fascinated interest, but now the full meaning of their relaxed familiarity struck her. Thomas and Selene would be like that, laughing together in the same knowing way, shutting out everyone else, their eyes silently speaking intimate secrets.

  Thomas. The pain stabbed at her heart again, threatening to crush her usually buoyant spirits. Arianna wrapped her arms around herself, clutching across her midriff and bending over, her eyes tightly closed to stop the tears she had for days refused to shed. But she could not hold back the anguished words that tumbled from her lips. And somehow she knew, even in her pain, that of all the people she had met at court or in Sir Valaire’s household, Meredith was the one person who would not condemn her inability to keep on pretending nothing was wrong.

  “I can’t do it,” Arianna cried. “I can’t go to Afoncaer. I dare not go.”

  She felt Meredith’s strong hands on her, guiding her to one of the pillowed chests and easing her down upon it.

  “Here,” Meredith said. “Open your eyes, my dear, and drink this.”

  Arianna found a cup of herb-scented wine thrust into her hand. Obeying the gentle command, she sipped at it, while Meredith watched her closely. When the cup was empty, Meredith refilled it and then sat on the chest beside Arianna.

  “We cannot help what our hearts tell us,” Meredith began. “Never think you are to blame for what you feel, Arianna. We cannot determine the objects upon which our hearts fix. But our actions, what we do in response to our heart’s urging, for that we are responsible. That we can control.”

  “I have never felt like this before.” At last the soothing tears began to fall. She could not prevent them, and Arianna, all her defenses in ruins before Meredith’s kindness, let them roll freely down her cheeks and made no effort to wipe them away. There, in that pleasant, peaceful chamber, she finally admitted what her deep affection for Selene had kept her from accepting until now. “It was only one look, the first time I met him, that’s all it needed. I did nothing. I never intended – never -” She gulped back a fresh outburst of sobs and tears, struggling hard to regain some sort of composure.

  “I know. I saw it happen.” Meredith took her hand. “It was that way for me, too, the first time I saw Guy.”

  “But he,” Arianna said bitterly, “was not betrothed to your kinswoman and dearest friend. Lord Guy was not mad with passion for another woman.”

  “That’s true. I did not have to endure that pain.”

  They sat quietly a while, Arianna alternately sniffling and sipping at the wine, until at last she leaned her head back against the wall.

  “I can’t even enter a convent,” she said wearily. “I have no dowry, no title or great family to assure me a respectable place. No one would want me. What am I to do?”

  “You had better come to Afoncaer as planned,” Meredith told her. “I can think of no excuse you might offer to Lady Aloise, or to Selene, to prevent your going, that would not seem ungrateful and offend them deeply. Lady Aloise has been most determined that you should accompany Selene.”

  “I’m not strong enough,” Arianna insisted. “I’m too honest, I couldn’t hide my feelings, and I’d have to watch them every day and witness their happiness.”

  “Or their unhappiness, which might be worse. That might prove a great temptation for you, so wish them happy. If you love them both, you must want them so.”

  “I do. I pray for them each night. But, oh, it hurts me to see him look at her with shining eyes and know he will never look at me like that.”

  “Will you trust me, Arianna?” Meredith regarded her intently, as though making some grave decision, before continuing. “Long ago, when I was much younger than you are now, I began to learn about the Old Ways from a beloved aunt, and from a friend, an ancient Welsh Wise Man. I have no Welsh blood in me, so I was unable ever to match their proficiency, but sometimes I sense things, and I have come to trust what my heart tells me at such times. I believe you were meant to be at Afoncaer. I have no reason to give you for my feelings, except to say it is time I had a pupil, so I can pass on the little I did learn from those dear people. I choose you, Arianna. If you will go with me to Afoncaer, I’ll keep your secret, and help you live with it as best you can. I’ll work you hard, and keep you too busy for sinful thoughts, and you can always talk freely to me, knowing it’s in confidence. You will grow stronger, my dear, if you can meet this test and not run from it.”

  Arianna was silent.

  “I need you at Afoncaer,” Meredith said, “and I believe it is the best thing for you, too. However hard your going there may seem to you now, in time you will understand why you were called to Afoncaer.”

  “I will think about it.” Arianna sighed.

  “That’s all I dare ask for now. We have another week before we leave, and you must decide finally whether to go or stay. Say nothing to anyone else about your doubts until you have decided. That way no one will require an explanation of you. Now, let us visit the infirmarer while we can. Come.” Meredith put out her hand, and Arianna took it and went with her, and tried her best to appear interested in what the infirmarer had to say to them.

  It was odd, but as the elderly brother talked with Meredith, answering her questions about his use of herbal preparations upon the sick who came under his care, and as Meredith gradually drew her into the conversation, Arianna found the pain at her heart lessening. She did not forget Thomas – she could never do that, for he was in her heart to stay – but she did feel a growing sense of comradeship with Meredith, until, as the morning ended, she roused herself to ask about this or that ointment or tincture. She was genuinely sorry when Meredith’s serving woman came to remind them it was time to dress for the midday feast. Perhaps, Arianna thought, Meredith was right and she would find peace and her own healing in learning to heal others. And, she reminded herself, in keeping her promise to Lady Aloise. But still she was afraid of the damage that would be done to her, both heart and soul, if she were to see Thomas constantly, and so she held back from final agreement.

  “I like that girl. She reminds me of you,” Guy said to Meredith later that night, when they were alone in their room. “It’s her eyes, I think. You both have grey eyes, though hers are darker, but the look is the same. That searching look, so full of pain, like you when first we met.”

  “Let us hope, my love, that Arianna’s pain can be relieved by hard work. I would not have her suffer more than she must, yet I feel certain I am doing the right thing by encouraging her to go with us. I pray she will agree.”

  “You have needed a pupil, and our Cristin is not interested, is she?”

  “No,” Meredith said ruefully. “Our daughter cares more for horses and for talking to the hawks in the mews than for learning about herbal cures and ancient wisdom.”

  “And,” Guy added, laughing, “for teasing poor Geoffrey whenever he’s about. She trails after him like an adoring puppy. He’ll be half-mad with answering all her questions by the time we are home again.”

  “Home.” She went into his welcoming arms. “How I miss Afoncaer. I will be glad to leave St. Albans.”

  “And I, my sweet.
I’m fond of our king, but I’ve no real taste for court or courtiers. I’m thankful our position on the border leaves us free of the obligation to come to court every year.”

  And then his lips touched hers, and they both forgot everything else but the love that had sustained them for more than ten years.

  “I have never been so near the king before,” Arianna said softly. She was standing between Meredith and Guy, crowded amongst all the other courtiers who were gathered in the large abbey chamber which served as reception hall and throne room for the duration of Henry’s stay at St. Albans. She looked the scarlet-clad royal figure over carefully, assessing his tall, powerful frame, noting the thick, black hair that was just turning grey. “He’s handsome, but older than I thought he would be. Sir Valaire says he’s a good king, much better than the last one.”

  “He is that, though anyone would be better than William Rufus,” Guy responded, smiling at her. She looked back at him with an answering smile. He had been more than kind to her on the few occasions she’d seen him since their first meeting several days ago. When he told her she would be welcome at Afoncaer, a bright ornament to his household, she had known that in his own way he was trying to convince her to accept his wife’s offer. Arianna already thought of him as a friend, a male complement to Meredith’s warm, feminine friendship.

  Studying the Baron of Afoncaer, Arianna thought she could see how Thomas would look in another fifteen years, the gold hair threaded with silver at his temples, the lines radiating from his fine blue eyes, the stern lines from nose to mouth that relaxed into laughter when Meredith said something to him. She thought that Selene and Thomas would one day stand so, not touching each other but obviously in complete accord. The thought brought with it the pain which so often beset her soul these days, and Arianna, with an angry gesture of one hand, as if to brush aside the discomfort, tried to think of something else. She saw King Henry beckon to Guy, who promptly left the women and went to speak with his monarch.